FUCKING BLOGSPOT

Ok folks im still not able to add pics and its been over 2 weeks now. I'm really getting jacked with this so untill blogspot fucking fixes this im not making anymore new post. SORRY Oh yeah and I am now not comming back to OZ untill the 5th of June, yes there is a ninja story to go with the change but your not going to hear about it till I can friggin post pics!!!!!!!!! >.<

Guns don't kill people Chuck Norris kills people

Ok people the other day I met this awesome lady when I was out on the town and anyways later on we had this discussion and I told her the three truths that bind all of existence which was

1) Chuck Norris doesn't sleep he waits

2) Guns don't kill people Chuck Norris kills people

3) DON'T FUCK WITH CHUCK!

As you can see they are like the best ever truths, I mean when I heard of these truths I was so blown away and pumped up I tore my shirt off there on the spot and began to tear up my moms carpet. She got so pissed that me and dad had to ninja duel it out again but that's another story.

Anyways this lady I met.......hmm wait lets call her Cowgirl Ninja cause she lives in Calgary which is like full of cowboys and cow girls. Anyways this Cowgirl Ninja said my truths sucked in fact this is what she said exactly and I quote
"what was I saying on the phone, oh yeah that it would be much better if it was something about someone other than chuck Norris, seriously dude, who gives a fuck about chuck Norris, really, anyways, guess I'll talk to you tomorrow"
I MEAN WTF!!!!!!! She had even said LUCY LIU is better than chuck!!!!!!! Oh man writing this is getting me so pissed and pumped I am gonna headbutt the next person I hear breathing. Ok so anyways I figured out the only way to tell who would win would be like if I sat in the corner and like meditated on Chuck Norris and like sent him my love all the way down to my pee pee and then imagined him fighting Lucy Liu and then I could write about my vision and tell you who won.
So I figured I write it in like a movie script since they are both actors, well Chuck is a Hella ninja actor and Lucy Liu is a Pornstar/Diva/Hooker/Lawyer.

scene one:

Chuck is like standing out front of Ninja Dojo for Hooker Ninja's. Its like medieval Japanese style with like those crappy paper walls and stuff. Chuck is standing there out front like staring at the door way. This little blue bird flys down and like lands on Chucks shoulder and chirps a lot which is super annoying cause like Chuck has a hangover from the night before cause he was drinking is his trailer at the trailer park the night before and porking babes, he like looks at the bird and the bird explodes in like a puff of feathers. (that is how powerful chuck is)

In the back ground music you can like hear this flute which is like super annoying as well cause its like all off key, this music is to get the audience as pissed as Chuck is.

The front of the house slides open and then the flute music goes crazy and the camera zooms up on chuck's eyes which are all squinty. Sitting the door way is Lucy and she is like all semi naked and Uber hot, so hot that like a squirrel in a near by tree sees her and cracks a massive boner and begins to crack nuts by whacking them with his boner.
the camera zooms up on Lucy's mouth and then zooms up on each of her nipples and each time this happens the flute song like squeals. Chuck like slowly ties a bandana to his head then he like pulls out a guitar strapped to his back and like wails on his guitar to hard he pops a vein in his forrid and like blood spurts out, at his wailing a thousand ninja's come to chucks aid and like flip out and surround lucy.
Lucy runs to the center of the room in the dojo and like twirls around in wonder woman style and then she like appears in a white kimono. and like pulls out a sword which has a hello kitty bobble hanging from the hilt.
The flute music get crazy loud and like lucy then flips out and begins to slice and dice all the ninjas. Chuck just stands there out side and watches as she butches them all. Lucy is like standing in the middle of all these dead ninja's and then she strips off and is like wearing a white bikini.
The camera then zooms quickly to chucks eyes and Lucy's mouth and then they pork on the front door steps. Later on that day Chuck and Lucy got married and lived in the trailer park and had like lots of children with mullet hair cuts.

The End

Hmm that was my vision, so I guess like chuck and lucy cant beat each other cause Chuck really wants to pork her and Lucy wants to live in Chucks trailor.

(seriously writing in the way a 10 year old speaks seriously hurt my head I think I need a sleep and have a few stiff drinks)

PS: sorry don't have any pictures but this f-ing website is buggin so I cant upload any but I will add them at a later stage very soon :)

Jungle Ninja is in the HOUSE!!!!!!!!

Well thank you Jesus, Allah, Buda I have finally found someone to take my dam money for a plane ticket. See the reason I have not been writing to you guys is because well I have been trying to buy a ticket with my Amex Card. I found out that well not everything is well in the land of Online Plane ticket purchases. For some Uber gay reason there are these online travel companies which wont except my god dam money cause my billing address on my AMEX card is obviously billed to my Australian address.
Now WTF this pisses me so off. I could not believe a company didn't want my money so I rang the company to see what was the deal. I told this nice man over the phone why cant I use my credit card and he said "It's agents our policy" I said "well I new that already cause you wont except it I wanted to know WHY" and he said .................. ................ umm.............. .........................I'm not sure sure its just company policy" Now by this stage I was getting super pumped up and uber pissed. There was someone who was talking on the phone next to me and they saw how pumped up and pissed I was and they like cowered and hid under the table.

I was like this pissed and pumped up!
So anyways I was like to this guy on the phone "Are you a racist, dose your company not like Australians?" Then I was like so pissed I ripped the phone handset off the wall and used them like nun-chucks and took out an old lady who like pressed the elevator button near me and I DIDN'T EVEN CARE!!!
Anyways I finally got my friggin ticket off a travel agency in Banff. These people will sell to Aussies.............Lucky for them

The only catch off this travel agency is I have to fly myself there, this is a promo pic from there travel brochure. I leave on May the 9th and I should arrive in Brisbane May 11th at 11 30 am :D and I guess then ill be going back to Jungle ninja mode

I CANT WAIT!

American Express and 1 Ninja Vs 101 Dobermans

SO first off I'd like to thank my Mother for Encouraging my father to activate my god dam new American Express card so I can buy my plane ticket with it and leave this f-ing place.
You see my Father seems to find me having misery a kind of funny thing, and my friends by no means is this a new thing, this has been a burden I have carried with me all my life.
Now I often get asked this question by a lot of people
"Benjamin you are a way sweet Snow Ninja! How did you train yourself to be able to handle extreme weather conditions and dodge bullets and run so fast and still look dead sexy doing it"
Well I must give credit were credit is due, it was because of my fathers cruelty when I was younger. You see when I lived at home I had my own bedroom then one day my FATHER decided that he needed an office and well I have 2 other sisters and I'll give you a guess as to who was the one who lost there room and was forced into a hut in the back yard.
(This pic was taken of my hut when a Jehovah whiteness came and visited. I upper cut him and proceeded to bash his nuts in with my bo-staff for a good half hour)
that's right it was your truly. Now Even though I am a snow ninja it was not always so that I lived in the snow you see I grew up in the tropics of Queensland were we have extreme heat and humidity. Back then I was a jungle ninja. See in a hut were I come from it gets hot and I mean really really hot and you cant like sleep past 6 am before the hut heats up and you roast alive and spiders lay eggs in your mouth. Now because of this torture I now have the ability to withstand extreme weather conditions and I now sleep with my mouth closed so spiders can't get in. This cruelty is only one aspect of my fathers torture.
His next stage of torture was to let his pack of wild Dobermans into the back yard as I had to get from my hut and into the house to have breakfast.

(This is one of my fathers dogs, it's name was little Lucifer. It hated me with an unholy passion and my father had taught it that the best meat on a human was to be found in the Arse, head of the penis, scrotum, armpit and throat. These soon became the dogs favorite areas to attack.)

What my father would do is he would wait by the door in the back yard, he was waiting to see when I woke so he could put his morning amusement into action. The dogs would be circling my hut like a pack of sharks I would have to distract the dogs with a smoke bomb or a grenade and run like hell for the door before they could recover. It was because of this I learnt to run at the SPEED OF LIGHT. (The speed of light is like quicker than the Flash and Superman combined and that's really fast)
As I would dash for the door my father would be standing at its entrance laughing hysterically and just as I was inches from the door my father would slide the glass door closed and laugh even louder. He would watch me as I was forced to turn and face his 101 Dobermans as they recovered form the smoke bomb and grenades. The dogs were sadistic as there master and they would all grab hold of different areas of my scrotum and drag me around the back yard by my balls for hours on end and at the same time they would be getting my clothes dirty.

(This is a pic of my father training a dog not to attack the arm but to go for the balls instead. He would wack them with a stick until they got it right)
I knew that I would have to one day defeat my father and his dogs so to do this I thought I should train a pet of my own. One that was a natural enemy of the Dog ,one that had ninja like reflexes. An animal so cute that women would want to touch me because I owned such a cute pet......... I needed an assassin CAT!

This is my cat his name is Tinkle but don't be surprised by his cute looks he is a cold blooded killer. (This pic is of him taking out a pack of guard dogs for training purposes) He was able to kill my fathers dogs but in retaliation my father put a bomb under my hut and tired to explode me but I sensed it and diffused it and my father and I dueld it out while my cat killed some random Sunday church goers. He is now serving 25 years for 3 counts of first degree murder
Mom made us stop fighting and cooked us chicken dinner which my dad tried to lace my food with rat poison. I ate it and lived cause thats just how tough I am.

(This is father and I dueling it out ninja style)






This Blog was brought to you by the Save the Kitten foundation: BECAUSE!

EVERY TIME YOU MASTURBATE A NINJA CHOPS THE HEAD OFF A KITTEN AND DOSEN'T EVEN CARE!



PLEASE THINK OF THE KITTENS

Ugh Today I wean myself off CAFFEINE

Ugh I had a shitty morning and I blew my top. Soooooooooooooooooooooo it's time for this little ninja to give up the caffeine. I feel like I need to rid my self of some unwanted chemicals in my body. Last night at work was dead slow to and all I drank was diet coke. So I was kinda wired and woke up kinda wired and kinda went off at my fellow Snow Ninja Shawn and he was like "YOUR MOMMA"
Which was fair enough. So to make ninja style up we went out into the forest and stalked random people in that ninja way we do things. And then this kid sneezed so I upper cut him while Shawn slapped either side of his arse cheeks so hard that he actually made the atoms that lined the kids arse ckeek split. Which as you well know causes an atomic explosion. It was WAS SWEET.